For most of us, asking for help is uncomfortable at best and downright demoralizing at worst. Once, while sitting in a restaurant with my mother, she began choking. Rather than asking for help with the Heimlich maneuver, she ran to the bathroom in embarrassment. This aversion to asking for assistance almost killed her.
“Can I ask you a favor?” “Would you mind helping me?” “Can I bother you to take me to the store?” We even state our requests in an apologetic manner. Typically, people prefer to be the ones giving rather than receiving, and yet for many, chronic illness forces us to require help from others whether we like it or not.
So how do we make asking for and receiving help a little easier for everyone involved? Start with exploring how you feel giving help to others. Can you remember the time that you made someone else’s life a little easier? Or when you felt appreciated for something you did for another person? Consider the fact that when you ask someone else for help, you are giving them the opportunity to feel good about themselves as well.
Next, recall how you felt the last time you received help. Did you feel taken care of and loved? Or resentful or embarrassed? It’s important to understand your own feelings about accepting help and to notice what you project toward others as you receive their care. We may be sending them messages we are unaware of.
When we can find ways to reciprocate, it feels good. Exploring what you have to offer to those who help you is a positive way to create balance in your relationships. Can you make phone calls? Are you a good listener? Can you help with their schoolwork? We all have something to offer regardless of physical limitations. Knowing we have something to give back also helps us maintain our sense of self-worth.
Although it can be difficult to ask for help, good things can come from reaching out to others. You may find that you actually feel more independent because you are taking charge of your situation and managing your needs rather than feeling like a helpless victim. When you delegate tiring tasks, you have more energy to do the things that only you can do, like spending time talking with your kids after dinner or listening to the speech your husband will be giving the next day. And finally, we feel less isolated and alone when we allow others to support and assist us.
Since MS is a chronic disease, we may need a great deal of help over long periods of time. Managing this illness is a marathon, not a sprint, so it is important for us to take care not to overwhelm those caregivers who do the most for us. It is tempting to lean heavily on a few who are close by rather than spreading our requests out among many. However, the key to avoiding caregiver burnout is to cultivate a wide-ranging support system.
When asked, many people underestimate the resources they actually have available to them. Try this exercise to see how far-reaching your support network really is. Start with a sheet of paper. In the middle, draw a circle and write the name of the person closest to you in that small circle. Now draw a larger circle around the first and list 3 additional people you could call on for a favor in this second circle. Now draw a third larger circle around the second and list 5 people that you could call on to get your groceries or to pick up your kid from school. This could be a neighbor or the mother of one of your kid’s friends. Finally, draw another circle around the third one and list groups or community organizations that might assist you. This could be a church group, a club, or an agency like Meals on Wheels.
As you reflect on this exercise, you will either be surprised by the number of people you can actually call on for help, or you will feel that you don’t have enough support. In the latter case, you may want to work toward reaching out to others and developing additional connections.
Several agencies assist people living with chronic illnesses. See the accompanying resource list for a few resources you might want to call on in the future. There are MS-specific service providers such as the National MS Society, the Multiple Sclerosis Society of America, and the Multiple Sclerosis Foundation. There are also local human services organizations that can be found on the Internet or yellow pages in your service area or through your local hospital’s social work department or your doctor’s office.
Finally, giving praise and acknowledging others for their efforts can make us feel better about asking for help and can make caregivers feel better about giving it.