If only you could just wave a magic wand and the love of your life would suddenly appear! In matters of the heart, unfortunately, it’s usually not that simple.
Relationship expert John Gray, PhD, likens finding the right mate to hitting the center of a target in archery. “Some people may hit the center right away, but most do not,” he says, adding, that “To aim and hit the center takes a lot of practice.”
Not to mention social skills. MS or no MS, it takes time and patience to develop these skills. While there is no set-in-stone method to find—and sustain—a loving relationship, there are ways to get off to a good start.
Pay attention to what worked and didn’t work about your prior romances. How you ended one relationship has a huge impact on whether or not your next relationship will succeed. After bad breakups, people are often shut down and angry, but then repeat their past experiences. If you can keep an open heart, you’re much more likely to be attracted to, and even fall in love with, your potential soul mate.
It also helps if you’re realistic. If your goal is a long-term relationship, look for qualities that will matter in the long run, like a loving heart and a dependable nature, rather than less substantial attributes like looks and money.
When you meet someone new, you usually feel it in your bones: you’re either turned on or you’re not. In short, it’s all about chemistry. There are four kinds of chemistry associated with romantic partnerships: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. It’s physical chemistry that brings about desire. Emotional chemistry leads to affection. Mental chemistry spurs interest. And spiritual chemistry creates love. When all of these chemistries magically align, you have most probably found your soul mate.
So you think you’re ready to meet this alleged soul mate. Not so fast. It may seem counter-intuitive, but the best way to find this person is to give up searching for him or her. The first step is to do work on feeling good about yourself. If you’re on the rebound, it’s easy to feel needy and look for another person to fulfill you. By finding ways to fulfill yourself instead, you’ll be more ready to be a true partner. And to find one as well.
You’ve done all your homework. You love yourself and now you’re ready to love someone else. What should you look for and where do you go about finding this fabulous person?
Professional matchmaker Catherine Ginter of the matchmaking service Great Date Now asks new clients to bring in a list of what they must have and what they consider a deal breaker in a mate. She contends that at this point in the game, hopefully you know what you want. Ginter also reminds anyone seeking true love to go beyond their preconceived notions, because “sometimes true love doesn’t come in the package you were expecting it to come in.”
Nor does it always come when you expect it. Like everything else in life, finding your soul mate is sometimes about being in the right place at the right time. Put yourself in environments where you’re likely to improve your chances of meeting someone with similar interests. If intelligence is important to you, spend time in places like libraries, bookstores, and at lectures. Looking for someone with a social conscience? Attend charity events. Passionate about music? Check out your local concert scene.
Consider, too, that the mate of your dreams may have some pastimes that are different from yours. So, once in awhile, step outside of your usual comfort zone. If, for example, you could care less about the difference between a Mercedes and a Chevy, go to an auto show for a change or even a NASCAR race. You never know.
You don’t even have to leave your chair anymore to find your next potential partner. There’s a reason why more than $500 million was spent in the U.S. on online dating and personal ads in 2007, and why these numbers are expected to double by 2012. Some find that this is the ideal way to test the waters, particularly when they haven’t dated in a while.
Margaret Blackstone, an author with MS, believes that the beauty of Internet dating is that “You can let your computer screen serve as the thick skin you may not have. You’re protected by your anonymity as you begin getting to know people electronically first. Most importantly, you have a choice.”
In case you had any doubts, people with MS do date, and yes, thrive, in romantic relationships. In fact, it’s often challenges like these that turn us into wiser, stronger, more compassionate mates. Accepting your own diagnosis of MS, though, will make it easier for you to share it with others, if and when that time is right.
If your symptoms are noticeable, talk about it with your dates from the start. Otherwise, they could possibly misread the situation and wonder why you seem tipsy. Simply say that you’ve got a neurological problem. No need to volunteer anything else. If you’re asked questions, you can answer that you don’t have anything contagious; just MS. Keep the conversation short, without adding any clinical details. The more “medical” you sound, the more serious it makes it seem. One of the first rules in dating is to discover all the wonderful things about each other first. As the relationship develops, you’ll have plenty of time to share more with each other, including your condition. That doesn’t have to—nor should it—be on the first date.
Most people don’t feel the need to disclose their medical history on a first date. As long as your symptoms aren’t showing, you don’t have to disclose it until you feel comfortable. Think of it this way: If you talk about your MS right away and the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s easy to convince yourself that it was because you have MS. Chances are, if things don’t pan out, it will have nothing to do with your MS and everything to do with the dating process.
Yes, there’s a chance you might have your heart broken, but that’s the chance everyone in a relationship faces. If worst comes to worst and you do get hurt, the old adage still remains true today: “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” And remember, you’ve faced bigger ordeals before, anyway.
Sometimes the biggest challenge is posed when everything’s going right. It can be scary to be so emotionally vulnerable. This is when it’s important to find ways not to sabotage yourself. No matter what happens later, take pleasure in each wonderful moment. And learn how to be the best partner you can be. The National MS Society offers a worthwhile program for couples living with MS, called Relationship Matters.
The bottom line? Go for it! If you take enough risks and have enough romantic experiences, one day you’ll look back and realize that as far as your love life is concerned, MS is simply out of the equation.
If your symptoms haven’t been apparent, it’s best to wait until the information seems relevant, such as when you enter into a more committed relationship.
When you do come forth with this information, you might want to reaffirm your love and loyalty to your partner, but add that the future could hold some possible challenges. Allow time for him or her to get used to the idea—after all, it took you time to get used to it. Then, be ready for anything. You might want to offer to answer any questions and, of course, you can suggest places to learn more about MS, such as The National MS Society website.
Even if you’re lucky enough to have found love, not everyone has what it takes to live with the unpredictable factors of living with MS. But dealing with it with dignity and truth is the only way for the possibility of happily ever after, whether it’s with the person you’re with or with someone else.
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