Give and Take: Finding a Healthy Balance

For most of us, asking for help is uncomfortable at best and downright demoralizing at worst. Once, while sitting in a restaurant with my mother, she began choking. Rather than asking for help with the Heimlich maneuver, she ran to the bathroom in embarrassment. This aversion to asking for assistance almost killed her.

“Can I ask you a favor?” “Would you mind helping me?” “Can I bother you to take me to the store?” We even state our requests in an apologetic manner. Typically, people prefer to be the ones giving rather than receiving, and yet for many, chronic illness forces us to require help from others whether we like it or not.

Giving others an opportunity to feel good

So how do we make asking for and receiving help a little easier for everyone involved? Start with exploring how you feel giving help to others. Can you remember the time that you made someone else’s life a little easier? Or when you felt appreciated for something you did for another person? Consider the fact that when you ask someone else for help, you are giving them the opportunity to feel good about themselves as well.

Next, recall how you felt the last time you received help. Did you feel taken care of and loved? Or resentful or embarrassed? It’s important to understand your own feelings about accepting help and to notice what you project toward others as you receive their care. We may be sending them messages we are unaware of.

When we can find ways to reciprocate, it feels good. Exploring what you have to offer to those who help you is a positive way to create balance in your relationships. Can you make phone calls? Are you a good listener? Can you help with their schoolwork? We all have something to offer regardless of physical limitations. Knowing we have something to give back also helps us maintain our sense of self-worth.

Although it can be difficult to ask for help, good things can come from reaching out to others. You may find that you actually feel more independent because you are taking charge of your situation and managing your needs rather than feeling like a helpless victim. When you delegate tiring tasks, you have more energy to do the things that only you can do, like spending time talking with your kids after dinner or listening to the speech your husband will be giving the next day. And finally, we feel less isolated and alone when we allow others to support and assist us.